Why me? Answered.
I remember the moment, clear as day, when I found out I had cancer. I remember where I was, what I was wearing, what the room looked like, who shared the news and how everyone else reacted to the news. I had gone to our local medi-center because I thought I had a cold. It was the winter after I turned 18 and I had gone to the clinic with my little sister. The doctor was tall and kind and before he would meet with me, he asked if my parents could join us. So they came to the clinic. Maybe because the situation was so extreme and unexpected, I felt like I was watching it all unfold in front of me.
We were all in the room, my parents, the doctor, and I. I heard the doctor share the news. I watched my parents hear what he had to say, process or not process, each in their own way. Later, when we came out of the room, I watched my friend’s mom, a nurse at the clinic that day, come to hug me and try to comfort me. I remember my little sister sitting in the waiting room coming to hold my hand.
Then we went home. I mostly remember the silence. Not because everyone else was quiet, but because I felt like I had a thick bubble around me, insulating me, keeping me separate from the outside world. And in that bubble, in my room that night, I found space and time to cry. I remember the flow of tears and the begging question, “Why me?”.
The next day the bubble was still with me. It stayed with me for a long time. And in that silence I slowly became aware of the possibility that getting sick was somehow a gift for me. I noticed that I was only looking at things that were right in front of me and no further. I no longer felt distracted by the natural noise of life, the comings and goings of being a normal human being in space and time. I felt like I was just me, with no other thoughts, or worries, or shoulds, or to dos. It was like I was given this time and space to just be and stay with what was right in front of me – whether it felt good, or bad, made me happy, or sad. I often referred this time as very special because I could easily keep focus on what mattered, all other things just seemed to fade away.
The transition back to daily living was where I found the second part to the question, “Why me?”. I was offered some sessions in alternative therapies where I discovered the power of healing beyond treatment and medical care; in our daily lives, we also have access to continued healing. And so, I spent the next decade or two challenging my understanding of mental and emotional wellbeing. I took care of my body through different modalities of energy and body work and came to discover that, as living beings, we have a natural tendency to grow, to expand, to evolve, and our bodies are designed to balance – to heal – in response to this growth. Being diagnosed with cancer was the catalyst for me to understand that we are not our emotions, the body work supported my awareness that we store unprocessed emotions in our bodies and how we can get in the way of our own healing.
Most of us are conditioned to believe that emotions are themselves bad, and that somehow they are going to do something bad to us. But most of the time they don’t do harmful things. It is actually the judgment (that they are good or bad) that causes, ultimately, the suffering. The goal is to live the human experience as best we can, knowing that it includes a lot of contrast on purpose. We are not meant to live in suffering, just as we are not meant to control the circumstances in our lives. We are meant to continually expand, to be the next version of ourselves and that means challenging our current understanding of ourselves — our thoughts and emotions. Learning how to allow our emotions, whether they appear on the surface or are stored in our bodies, is the path to mental and emotional wellbeing.
This is where coaching comes in. You have the power within you, learn to allow your emotions so you can align with your true desires of a healthy, heart-filled life.
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