People Pleasing Tendencies Unpacked
I have people pleasing tendencies and I was born with it. We all are. And for a long time, I could see how it was something deeply woven into society; something we taught ourselves to practice in order to be ‘better humans’. I thought it was a way to care for other people, to tend to their needs so they too could have a better life.
Turns out, some version of this wiring is actually in our DNA. It's in the genes, in our genetic makeup. Even if we were born alone, we would have these impulses. Being part of the group is how we stay alive. If we are not part of the group, we die. Survival is at risk. And these impulses are part of our primitive brain.
And, we have adapted these tendencies into our daily life. How many times have you heard: hope for the best, prepare for the worst?
We assume the worst case scenario.
Here is my version, my human experience where I assume the worst case scenario:
When someone says harsh words, I think there is something wrong
When someone is angry or upset, I think it’s my fault
When someone acts out, I think its a problem
And I have to fix it. I’ve tried everything!
I tried telling them how to do things
How to feel about them
How to think about things
I tried doing it for them… feeling it for them… thinking for them.
None of it has worked as I hoped.
I failed them, I failed me.
It was my fault and I couldn’t fix it, I am just not good enough.
It’s a problem that I can’t fix, so I caused it. I am unworthy.
And I live this over and over.
I was asked: What does ‘fixing’ actually mean?
My brain didn’t have an answer. All it had was a thousand reasons why it was a problem, but no answer as to what ‘fixed’ looked like.
I was shocked!
My brain had me on the run—for years, thinking that there was a problem when someone else was having a negative experience, when the whole time there was no real threat to life, no need for it to be ‘better’ than it was.
If life is about experiencing the whole spectrum of emotions, both positive and negative—for everyone, then ‘fixing it’ just means being okay with the way things are.
So, as I unpacked my People Pleasing tendencies one scenario after another, I noticed a pattern; when THEY are not pleased I think something is wrong with ME.
I am seeking their approval for my self worth.
It sounds like: I have to be part of the group or else I die—but not quite…
Because the threat isn’t real.
It’s just my thoughts.
Watching how my thoughts kept creating this reality for me, I was able to pull these thoughts apart, see them for what they were, see me for who I was WITH those thoughts and see me for who I was WITHOUT those thoughts.
Our tendency to assume the worst case scenario is part of the human experience. This is how the human brain works— the survival part. This is the part that was designed to respond to physical threats to life. While we are safe in our environments, my brain wants to draw the conclusion that having negative emotions is a problem. And yet, we live in a world that includes a lot of contrast on purpose. Having negative thoughts or feeling discomfort is actually part of life, an essential part. There is no actual threat. There is no problem. There is nothing to fix.
It is simply the human experience I have been having so far.
As a friend, someone says harsh words to me I panic / think there is something wrong
As a daughter, my mom gets angry I get upset / think it is my fault
As a mother, my kid acts out I get frustrated / think it’s a problem
The truth of the matter is that other people are allowed to say harsh words, get angry, or act out. It’s okay for others to have negative experiences, it is part of life; as a matter of fact, half of it. I am also allowed to feel panic, upset, or disappointment, and it’s okay if I act from that place and try to fix it.
Or I can interrupt my story, and see my thoughts and feelings for what they are— my story. When I’m thinking that other people’s negative experiences are a problem, my body responds with emotions that feel like fight or flight, starting with panic. I get hot. And nothing’s gone wrong. This is just being human.
Through coaching, I am able to observe my own thoughts and see them for what they are. They are sentences in the form of thoughts, ideas, and belief systems. I am also able to observe the energy created by those thoughts in my body as feelings. Once I’m aware of my thoughts and emotions, I have the ability to choose to take action from that place, or not. That is how the human brain works— the higher part.
This is what I know to be true:
Part of my brain is designed to keep me safe
Being human includes a lot of contrast on purpose
My experience comes from my thinking
When I’m thinking that other people hold my authority, I will seek their approval. I will try to change their thoughts, how they feel, or what they do, thinking that if they are happy, I can be happy too. But what I think, feel or do for them doesn’t actually change what they think, feel or do. It simply appears for them… and so I am left wanting.
What if I hold my own authority and I then seek approval from myself?
Through the practice of understanding how our beautiful mind works, we can become better humans — we cam become better at being human. I would love to hear from you, book a Free Discovery Call today!
